Today, I embark on my blogging adventure...
I've never written a blog before. I have, however, been thinking quite a bit lately about my strengths, faults, fears, and dreams - and would like to a place to store and share my transitions. The purpose I hope to achieve by this blog is to discover and isolate some things that just aren't working in my life anymore...and to eliminate them one by one. So, here we go! I welcome feedback, both positive and negative.
This week is law school finals week. Yikes. I just got off the phone with a wonderful woman - a previous graduate of the lawschool and prominent figure in our city...and she gave me phenomenal advice on exam taking. She has great timing.
I am feeling nervous about exams, which is unusual for me. I want to be the best at everything...I want the exams to reflect not only how much I understand the material - but also the desire I have to be a great lawyer, and to implement change. I also know how much of my future is riding on my ability to do well in school. I guess I am just feeling the weight of the burden as a whole. In the same token, I know that I have NOT done everything in my power to secure that outcome...so the question today is why?? I think the answer is fear of failure. If I don't give the task my 100%, and don't do as well as I would like - then I have managed to still have control over that outcome. This unfortunately almost always concretes an outcome that is significantly less than what I am capable of.
I think it is time I look failure in the face and decide what it is - what it looks like - what about it is so frightening to me. These are the questions I am going to start thinking about: If I fail...what is the worst that will happen? How likely is it that I will literally fail?? What is the definition of failure? What does failure mean to me?
So today...I am going to put "Letting go of the fear of failure" as #1 on my things I want to eliminate.
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I too struggle with that fear ... the fear of failure has caused me countless hours of lost sleep, many episodes of heartburn, and it also blurs inappropriately into other "undesirable" patterns -- or defects of character. For example, I hate how it will bother me if someone does not like me. I "know" that it is truly impossible to please everyone, especially when I speak so boldly in the face of injustice or oppression. I am bound to be disliked by quite a few individuals because I am dedicated to effecting change. Sooooo, why should I give 2 sh**s whether someone doesn't like me? I think it comes back to the fear of failure ...as if I feel their judgment of my "person" could hold some validity of my unworthiness. Yet, the competent, logical, intelligent side of me says,"Linda, you are a good, decent person. You are not perfect. However, when you do make a mistake, you take action to correct the error and, if necessary- ask for forgiveness." Yet, when I am denied forgiveness and persecuted for my error, it hurts me and continues to bother me. It in essence, is me giving power over to some idiot who, through their narrow-mindedness has shown me their deficits. However, my fear of failure is capable of being so disabling -- to the point of causing me to feel I am supposed to be "perfect", even able to correct irrationality, selfishness or even dark hearts. So Angela, I join you in the crusade for personal growth and betterment. Let us be join heart, minds and souls to promote growth ... you inspire me to try my own blog as well. Thank you, once again, for being such a wonderful influence in my life. How fortunate I am to know you and call you friend.
ReplyDeleteBlog works nicely..Welcome to "that" world!
ReplyDeleteThank you for allowing me to be a part of it. I look forward to your postings and your growth!
Love you!
Montreece
Just checking your "grow-th-ermometer", lol ;) I know, I know ... finals aren't done yet -- but I needed a distraction so I could procrastinate on my own studying.
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
L